We left in our thousands, disillusioned and
clinging to the dream of greener grass further afield. Clutching our hard-earned, useless degrees,
we booked our one-way tickets and our visas. We cast our hopes and dreams
across the continents, desperately believing there was more to life beyond
these borders. Then, we were away so long we forgot how bad it had been.
And gradually, we returned.
I am one of those reclaiming my Irishness. I
was in Melbourne for almost four years and have just returned to Tullamore in
Offaly. The two are literally urban opposites.
It
hasn’t been smooth sailing. In fact, it’s been one big, long, rocky period of
fuckery. And yet, here I am, obstinately hopeful.
Here’s a list of helpful hints/cautionary
tales for anyone considering a similar move.
1.
The Food Is Just As Good As You Remember
No other nation quiet
grasps the importance of a crisp sandwich, a grisly pork sausage or a strong,
milky cup of Lyons tea (you heard me, you Barrys-swilling philistines)
2.
Nothing Else Is
All the reasons
you had for leaving are still probably there. Bear that in mind when you’re
envisioning your triumphant return.
3.
You Should’ve Gone To Specsavers
Take off those rose-tinted
glasses. You have definitely idolized
Ireland, regardless of your protestations to the contrary. You’ve matured
somewhat in your time away – you had no choice – but you are not the
all-knowing, open-minded, culture-embracing individual you think you are. There
are those who know better than you – listen to your parents and peers when they
tell you what it’s like in Ireland. Don’t shrug off their firm reminders of
what modern Irish life is. They aren’t being negative – they are sharing their
wisdom.
4.
Take out Life Assurance Before Applying For Car Insurance
If you’ve been away for
more than three years, prepare to sell your kidney to the black market to
afford the compulsory vehicle insurance. If you’ve only got one kidney left,
have a toilet nearby because involuntary bowel movements are pretty much a
given. In the case of an ex-pat returning from Australia, all driving experience
from that particular country will be rendered null and void by the chortling,
hardly-legible country bumpkins manning the switchboards at AXA, FBD and all
the rest. In fact, most companies will flat out refuse to insure you at all.
5.
Banks
My local Permanent TSB
branch opens at ten o’ clock in the morning. The cash desks are promptly closed
at three in the afternoon. I think that’s enough said about that – the vein
throbbing in my temple has had an adequate workout this week and needs no
further strain.
6.
Job Envy
The majority of the people
you have left behind will have jobs, or will be making serious strides towards
figuring out a decent career path. You will have to endure their standard
work-related moans and groans while receiving rejection letters from Topaz for
fifteen-hour night shifts. Try clenching your glutes during this inevitable
conversation– this exercise is doubly beneficial, helping tone your ass cheeks and preventing grievous bodily harm
befalling the ones you hold dear.
7.
Transformation Nation
Small town syndrome is
alive and well. The place where you grew
up will be simultaneously unrecognizable and familiar. Everything - and nothing – will have changed. Your
business will soon be public knowledge. Your previous anonymity is gone. Revel
in your notoriety.
8.
Friends
If you’re lucky enough to
have real ones, it will be as if you weren’t away at all. The banter and craic
will come flowing from all directions, shots will be downed, embarrassing tales
will be reminisced, nicknames will be cat-called, hangovers will be suffered
and you will feel right at home almost instantly.
9.
Fictionalized Family
While abroad, you will create
an utterly delusional picture of your family. You will block out the bickering.
You will excitedly promise trips away, meals out, poker nights, extravagant
Christmas presents and a general Seventh-Heaven-style familial bond upon your
touchdown. And then, your parents will ask you what you plan to do with your
life and your brother will flip you off and the new cat will piss on your hand
and you’ll morph back into your over-dramatic, self-pitying fourteen-year-old
self.
10. You Have Been Warned
Every second person you
meet will ask the reasoning behind your decision to return. There will be days
- when you have clumps of your own hair in your balled-up fists and foam fizzing
through your clenched teeth – when you yourself will forget why you got on that
homeward-bound plane.
And then there will be
days when you’re following a bi-polar sat-nav through a backwards village you
can’t pronounce with your suddenly-adolescent little sister crying with
laughter in the passenger seat. And there’ll be days when you share a sneaky
cigarette over a super-bitch-fest with your best friends. And there’ll be days
when your mother makes you laugh and gives you a tight hug after your third
disastrous interview. And there will be days when you get up at six in the
morning and see a blanket of thick, white fog clinging to the fields and trees
stretching for miles either side of you.
And on those days, you’ll
remember. And you’ll keep going.
